David Silverberg's "Terms and Conditionals": the things you just agreed to

[David Silverberg's As Close to the Edge Without Going Over is a new book of genre poetry from Canadian speciality press ChiZine (previously). I was tickled by his poem 'Terms and Conditionals' (for reasons that will be immediately obvious) and I asked him if we could reprint it here -- he graciously assented. -Cory]

Thanks for purchasing the latest Augmented Phone!

You can acquire Content on our Services for free or for a charge,
which will come as a form of a credit-card payment or a drop of your
mitochondrial DNA.

Each Transaction is an electronic contract between you and Zaphex,
but we are under no obligation to meet your parents and/or play nice
with your cousins. However, if you are a customer of Zaphex
Distribution International and you acquire an App or a book, our
Distribution team may send a representative to taste that new pasta
primavera you cooked up Sunday night, yet we are under no obligation
to Instagram it.

When you make your first Transaction or DNA droplet, we will ask
you to choose how frequently we should ask for your password for
future purchases. Your password should be a minimum of seven
characters and have some, well, character, and include at least an
Aramaic letter, half a pun and a melody from a Nina Simone song.

If you enable Emotion ID for Transactions, we will ask you to
authenticate all Transactions with your BrainPrint and sense of humour.
Failure to make our machine-learning program even chuckle may result
in the failure to confirm said Transaction.

All Transactions are final, unless you can prove you were delightfully
drunk and/or self-loathing at the moment of purchase. A Zaphex ID
employee may visit your home to root through your recycling to check
for empty booze bottles, or scavenge your bedroom floor for Lay’s bags.
Content prices may change at any time, especially on our bad days,
like when one of our Chinese manufacturers reports of another suicide
attempt by $3/hour workers.

If technical problems prevent or unreasonably delay delivery of
Content, your exclusive and painfully sole remedy is either replacement
of the Content or mixing the blood of a grumpy escape-room
operator with the moustache grease of a Russian hacker. We will accept
North Korean hacker moustache grease if a Russian hacker cannot
be sourced in time.

Using our Services and accessing your Content requires a Zaphex ID,
and being acutely aware of how cool our company has become in the past
decade. A Zaphex ID is the account you use across our Neurosystem,
including astral planes where variations of our Company may exist.
Your Zaphex ID is valuable, and you are responsible for maintaining
its confidentiality and security. Don’t tell it to this new girl you’re
dating, we really don’t think it’s going to last beyond six weeks. And
definitely don’t use it as your safe word.

Zaphex is not responsible for any losses or sudden depression
arising from the unauthorized use of your Zaphex ID. Please contact
Zaphex if you suspect that your Zaphex ID has been compromised.
The surest method of contacting us is screaming into your pillow for
10 minutes, or shaking your fists to the heavens like an old-timey
curmudgeon.

You may use the Services and Content only for personal, noncommercial
purposes, and it’s encouraged to promote our Content to nearby
Samsung users and report back to Zaphex Distribution
International the degree of jealousy you detect in their eyes, cheeks and
dry elbow skin.

Zaphex‘s delivery of Content does not transfer any promotional use
rights to you, even if you really really like that Tetris game that’s
not really Tetris but is revamped for the modern era with slicker
graphics.

You can use Content from up to five different Zaphex IDs on each
device. We may also augment your boring life from up to 25 different
devices.

It is your responsibility not to lose, destroy, or make naughty with
Content once downloaded. We encourage you to back up your
Content regularly, and when doing so you are required to evoke a truck-
backing-up noise. Yes, we will be listening.

You may not tamper with or circumvent any security technology
included with the Services. Doing so may result in the ghost of faulty
microprocessors haunting your Saturday afternoon naps.

We may amend these Terms and Conditions at any time by
posting the amended terms on our Instagram profile. Please ignore the
manicured cheerleading photos of our “engaging workplace culture”
populating that feed at any given moment. Our right to amend the
Conditions includes the right to modify, add to, or pointlessly reduce
the font size of said terms in the document. We will provide you 30.75
days’ notice by posting the amended terms.

David Silverberg's new book of poetry As Close to the Edge Without Going Over (KQP, an imprint of ChiZine Publications) is now available. Fusing science fiction with horror and surrealism, As Close is a unique book that encourages us to examine how we'll live and love in decades to come.

David is a poet, theatre artist, journalist, editor, event organizer and producer. He is the artistic director and founder of Toronto Poetry Slam, and was the director of two Canadian Festivals of Spoken Word in Toronto. He edited the Canadian spoken word anthology Mic Check (Quattro Books) and has performed his spoken word poetry across the world, including Vancouver, Montreal, London (UK) and Paris. His first solo theatre show Jewnique debuted in May 2018. His non-fiction work has appeared in The Washington Post, BBC News, The Globe & Mail, Vice, Ars Technica, Broken Pencil, Quill & Quire, NOW Magazine and many more. Find him at DavidSilverberg.ca.