Adam and Eve were aliens, soul transplants, and an exploding squirrel in this week’s dubious tabloids

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, let’s be grateful for the short memories of the tabloids, which gleefully forget what they’ve previously written the moment it’s inconvenient for them.
Prince Harry’s wife “Meghan Meets Diana’s Secret Daughter!” screams the cover of this week’s Globe, describing how Sarah, allegedly “conceived in a bizarre fertility test before Prince Charles and Diana wed,” met with the latest addition to the Royal Family on the last day of her recent visit to New Zealand.
Yes, this is the same love child who was murdered by Prince Charles on the Greek isle of Crete in May 2016, according to a report the following month in -- where else? -- the Globe.
Fortunately the demise of Diana’s mystery child has not curtailed her globe-trotting, and she turned up in the antipodes to warn Meghan: “Beware! Charles is a killer!” Though clearly not a very good one, if Diana’s daughter Sarah is still alive two years after Charles definitively killed her.
The Globe explains her earlier demise as “a ruse to save her life!”
Such a shame that the Pulitzer Prize for fiction has already been awarded this year.
George Clooney’s wife of four years “Amal Takes The Twins!” proclaims the National Enquirer cover, reporting that the couple’s '$520 million divorce explodes!” The Globe goes old school with its headline “Bossy Wife Drives Clooney Loony!” and claims “He wants out after she bans sausage, cigars, snoring and cussing.”
Unsurprisingly, neither party has actually filed for divorce, let alone cited “sausages” as grounds for the split. And let’s not forget that the tabloids have been floating this identical story from the moment the couple signed their marriage certificate. “George & Amal: $220 Million Divorce!” yelled the cover of the Enquirer on October 29, 2015. These divorce stories have continued repeatedly through their marriage, and earlier this month the Globe cover touted “George Clooney Divorce Papers.” How soon they forget.
Thirty seven years after her death, “Natalie Wood Body Exhumed!” reports the Globe. Only one minor detail: the actress’s body has not been exhumed. It seems the Globe has forgotten the story that ran in its sister tabloid the Enquirer on June 29, 2015, under the headline: “Natalie Wood’s Body Exhumed.” Except it wasn’t then, and probably won’t be now. The only thing exhumed was the headline.
For those who like their tabloids vintage retro, the newly-revived Sun, still sadly only a supplement within the National Examiner, reveals that “Adam & Eve Were Alien Agents... sent from space to control life on earth,” and that a greedy squirrel ate so many nuts that it exploded, injuring bystanders who suffered broken bones, in the picturesque Kookaburra Park in Australia. Inexplicably, the exploding squirrel failed to be noted in a single Australian newspaper.
“Soul transplants are coming!” raves the Sun, reporting that “emotions and memories would move to healthy young body,” which seems a vast improvement on the previous week’s story promising head transplant surgery in America any day now.
An “Old Maid’s Ghost” in a 19th century home in Cincinnati, Ohio, is “dead set on joining family,” while remnants of NASA's Genesis probe that crash-landed in the Utah desert 14 years ago are actually a “flying saucer,” the Sun explains.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at Us magazine to tell us that Kate Bosworth wore it best, that actor Bobby Moynihan “recently discovered” and now loves “Korean yams,” that Raven-Symoné carries buttons, pencils and a latex Cheshire Cat wallet in her Tate Modern tote, and that for once the stars are “not like us” - they fly on private jets, mingle with Royals, get vampire facials (don’t ask), sit court-side, and have flunkies hold their umbrellas. I’m shocked, shocked I tell you. All those stars sipping coffees, pumping their own gas and buying their own groceries each week must have been just an elaborate cover-up for the real lives of luxury and indulgence they have long kept hidden behind closed doors. Who knew?
The best news of the week coms courtesy of the Examiner, which reports: “Pizza Protects Against Cancer!” Who cares if the story is based on clinical research that was published more than 15 years ago, in July 2003? But just try to get a single slice covered by your health insurance.
Onwards and downwards...